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Shy

11 Aug

I have been that way ever since I can remember. I never knew how to talk to anyone and have always felt stupid when I would try. I’d rather sit quietly in a corner or somewhere in the back of the room and just blend into the background and have no one notice me. I never did anything remarkable, even if it was in me to I just wouldn’t for fear people would take notice. And if by some freak accident I found myself being noticed I would immediately shy away. The first time that happened was when I was in the first grade. We had these reading groups and it was my turn to read so I got right into it (I liked the story so that had helped) and as I read I was pretty much ‘acting’ it out. I put feeling behind the words, it was how I read and I didn’t think anything of it until I noticed that the whole group was staring at me slacked jawed…including my teacher. Then my teacher went on and on praising me and I felt my cheeks flush and immediately lowered my voice and read in that drowned out tone (you know the one I mean) and was much happier when everyone stopped paying attention to me. And making friends was the most difficult thing in the world. I didn’t really have any. The only ones I had made were the kids who for some reason seemed determined to be friends with me and just would not let me shy away from them. That only added up to 4 people, ones that turned out to be “real” friends. There were others I hung out with on occasion, who were usually friends of my actual friends, but like everyone else they barely noticed me and were only casual acquaintances. I remember every time I went out somewhere with my friends and we were around other people I would just sit quietly somewhere out of the way and would nod, smile or laugh when it seemed like I should. Yeah, I was the life of the party!

I’ve gotten a little better over time, but not much. I have learned to speak up more and try to blend in a little bit with people, instead of scenery, but I still do not want to stand out and I haven’t made any “real” friends since I was a kid. Hell, right now I really don’t have any friends at all…Which is really pathetic. But I have no clue how to make new ones and my old ones are all gone. It started some time back, when I was in my late teens and early 20’s, everyone started to go their seperate ways and we slowly drifted apart and lost touch. And now I find myself in a whole new state where I the only person I know is my boyfriend and I wonder if I will ever be able to find a friend, someone to grab lunch with, go out for coffee with or whatever. People do things like that everyday, but not me I just stand back and watch and if I think too much about it I can feel the loneliness creep in. So yeah. Painfully shy. It pretty much sucks.

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Posted by on August 11, 2008 in Life

 

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